Friday, July 24, 2009

I love this picture of us! I have it on my desktop. One because I love it so much two because I want Kade to see his Daddy every time he looks at the computer. I am so scared he will never remember his daddy who loved him so much.
I found my diary tonight that I kept while Randy and I were dating. I started it when we became engaged. I kinda chuckled because I kept a running track of how many days were left till we got married. The first entry was on Wednesday November 4th. We had 675 days left till our wedding. It is so hard for me to come to grips with the reality that he is really gone. In this book I have all of the little cards off of the flowers that he bought me, all of the sticky notes he would leave on my pillow when he would rush out the door to get by curfew, engagement pictures, pictures of the flowers he sent me, and list goes on. At times like these I am glad I am a pack rat. I haven't even gone to the cedar chest yet. That is where all of the other stuff is. I long to hear his voice again. I have caught myself thinking about texting him or calling him in the middle of the day. Will it ever go away? I share with you the last entry of my diary:
Friday September 9, 2004
Well Honey, our day has finally arrived. I cant believe it! Tomorrow I become Mrs, Heather Loper. I am a basket case of nerves. I just want you to know that I will love you forever, till death do us part, Until tomorrow at the altar, Bye Your Fiance, Heather 0 days left

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Oh my goodness, I think I am going to die with grief and sadness. I am strong throughout the day but come evening I don't know how I will make it. I don't know how I am going to do this for the rest of my life. I think the only reason I can do this is for my kids. I feel as if I have an elephant sitting on my chest continuessly. No matter what I am doing it is always there. I cant sleep, I cant eat, or when I do it doesn't stay with me long. I miss him so much!!!
How do I keep Randy's memories strong in my boys little minds? It is a constant worry of mine.
I got to meet Randy's boss today. He is and was the most awesome boss a guy could have. Randy loved working for him. He was on vacation to far away to come to any services so I had not got to meet him. He cleaned out Randy's truck and offered to bring me his stuff. We were eating at Sarah H. house and so I came home to meet him. He was standing on my front porch waiting on me when I pulled up. Kade was sitting in my lap in the car(Sarah lives in my neighbor hood) when Kade saw him he said" Daddy" it about killed me.
I got to see my wonderful friend Melodie S. today. It was so nice to just sit and talk. To get a hug from her. We just talked about "things". I have so many questions. Why did God choose my husband? Why didn't He answer the prayers of so many people? It is so hard to try and answer these. I just see how any good could come out of me not having a husband any more. He was so much more than just a husband! I miss his voice. I miss the feel of his hand on mine. I miss having him in bed with me. I miss all of the little things he did that I didn't realize were that big until I have to do them myself. I am so scared of being lonely!
This is becoming quite rambly but I cant sleep and I am just writing as I sit here and cry. Sorry! Please don't leave any comments because I don't really want to know who is reading this. I would prefer to think it is only me and my rambling, jumbled up mind.
I know my friends have been praying for me but I have one particular decision to make in the next couple of weeks. I seriously need God's guidance.
My friend Martha G. gave me a book when she came to the funeral called "A Grace Disguised". I am not into it to much but what I have read has been so helpful. Thank you so much Martha for such a wonderful gift! Every time I read something that sticks out I underline it so I can find it again without looking too hard. Unfortunately I have to work tomorrow and I have to get up early. I am going to try and get some sleep. Thank you so much for praying for me. I don't think I would be this far without your prayers! I thank God every day for the wonderful friends and family that He has given me. I don't know where I would be without them.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I miss him so much!!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

As most of you know,our vacation ended quickly this year. I sit here at my desk reading every ones kind words and I want to thank you so much! This blog is going to be a place for me to put my thoughts. Sometimes happy sometimes sad. Not that I want the whole world to read them but for me to be able to go back and remember. If that bothers you I am sorry I wont feel hurt if you don't come back. I am a person who has a hard time talking about or showing my feelings but it is so easy for me to express them in writing. That being said I think I will go back and read previous posts and look at pictures for a few minutes. Today is going to be very hard for me. I want to remember the good times. A song I just listened to says" If home is where the heart is, I am so homesick"

Friday, July 10, 2009


Yay!!! We are leaving on vacation tomorrow morning. Be back in a week. TTFN...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Okay, I just have to say that mommys can do anything. Even do plumbing. I tried my hand at it on Monday and conquered it. Sunday afternoon I found a big bowl of leftover roast in the refrigerator and decided it was a little past the due date so I turned on the garbage disposal and threw the roast in the sink. Keep in mind that I have dumped alot of things down my disposal( including roast) in the past and it has only stopped up twice. Once with potato peels and the time was with spaghetti. I have learned that whatever you dump down it must go slowly!!!!! The spaghetti went down in a flash and in a flash it stopped up. Well I was in a hurry and my roast went down in a flash and in a flash it was stopped up again. Since I was trying to get out the door to church I decided that Randy didn't really need to know about it at that time. LOL Things like that really stress him out you know. so when we got home from church I quickly went to the sink and sure enough that brown chunky roast water was still standing in the sink. So I casually mentioned that I stopped up the disposal and My wonderful husband promptly stressed and said that it was going to take him an hour to fix it when he got home from work the next day.
Now keep in mind that I had been to camp for a week and then I had family staying with us for a week after that and my house was begging for a good cleaning. My kids were all sleeping over at Mamaws( except Kade) so I had already decided to give my house a top to bottom cleaning Monday. I just couldn't clean my house with stinky, brown, roast water sitting in my sink all day. I got upMonday and said to my self," Self, I am going to unstop what I stopped up." So I cleaned out all of the cleaning supplies under the sink, grabbed a bucket and prayed that my husband hadn't twisted the twisty thing to tight the last time he cleaned it out. I undid the twisty things and broke the pipes apart. I sure am glad I had the bucket there!! Just let me tell you that I have a pretty strong stomach. Not much affects me but this was gross!! ( I was thinking about my good friend Michele as I did it. She gags quite easily) I thought I had it all out so turned on the water a little bit to see if it would run out. I am glad I had the bucket there because it ran out! So being the person that I am I decided to make sure it was out so I kept the water on just a little bit and turned on the disposal. Just let me say that It all totally missed the bucket completely!! It blew nasty roast all over the inside of my cabinet. It was then that I thought I might gag myself. I decided to get another bucket of clean water to start cleaning up the mess. I found an old bottle brush to stick in the pipes to clean them out. Have you ever seen what is growing in your pipes under your kitchen sink? Trust me you don't want to know!!! So here I am with my head under the sink trying to wipe up the nasty junk and gunk that just got blew all over the cabinet walls I turn around and see see Kade with the nasty bottle brush mopping the kitchen floor with it. Now I really gross out. Good thing I was on a cleaning mission! I get it all put together and try it out and Yep, you guessed it. Still stopped up. It was plugged up farther down the pipe that I didn't take apart. So I started over. So to make a very long story just long,I finally got it all clean up, it is very organized under my sink now, and I had no leak when I was finally done. With all that done I could finally get started on the rest of my house. I think from now on I will not never put anything down the disposal fast. Now that Randy knows that I can do it, he will make me do it every time. That is not something I want to do ever again!!!!!!! Randy said that since I did that he is going to show me how to clean out the traps in the bathtubs when they get stopped up with all of the long hair coming out of 3 girls heads. I promptly told him No Thanks!!! That's a job even a 4 year old boy says is gross. LOL

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

church camp 2009

Church camp this year was great. Great preaching and a good time spent with family and friends. I even met a few blogging friends.
Friends( Konnor, Michael, and Bryson)

Best friends( Megan and Sarah)

Lots of Baseball

"Honey pot" duty( Randy and BIL Scott)

Watching baseball

My good looking husband!!!