In the entry way above the door going into the dining room

In the half bath on the main floor
I finally got the expression up that I got from Uppercase Living. The top one my wonderful friend Sarah H. gave me that she never put up. I love them! They add so much to my walls. Thanks to my friend Jessica H. for coming over to put them up for me. Now I want some more.LOL not for a while. I need to save my pennies. TTFN

4 months

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day
I will stop missing you. ~Author Unknown~

Just when you think you are doing good it hits you again. Grief is a weird thing. The pain is always there,so intense, but you go through your day like normal because you have to.I still clean up Kade's messes, do laundry,dishes, and cook. But at any given time or moment a big wave will hit you and down you go again. I cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes I want to cry and cant squeeze a tear out. Some days I feel I can do this other days I don't think I will make it another hour. The tasks are overwhelming and I look to the future and wonder how i will ever make it. The loneliness is to much to bear at times. I miss having Randy come home at the end of the day. Just knowing he was there would relieve the stress. Now I have no relief. I get angry but I don't know who to be angry at. I have to learn to take control of my life and learn to do things on my own. It is just one step of acceptance. It is so much easier said than done. I don't want to do it on my own but I have too.
I am dreading the holidays. I am running away this Thanksgiving. I don't want to be at home. I have to go and do something different. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and driving to FL. I hate driving long distances. Especially with 4 kids but I no longer have a trucker driver husband, who loves to drive, to drive me places so I have to do it on my own. I can do it and I will!
Slowly the fog is clearing and I am trying to get back into a routine of sorts. If there is such a thing. For those of you who know me,know I am a coupon queen.I love saving money at the store! This week I cut my first coupon since Randy died. It felt good. In 4 months I haven't had anything in me to want to do anything that was normal. I haven't started and finished one book.I want to but I cant keep my mind focused long enough to do it.Its weird how my mind wont let me do these things. In an instant of time my world changed. Nothing,Let me repeat, nothing is the same. nor will it ever be. and for a person who hates change that is something hard to swallow.
I am so thankful for my friends. They get me through my darkest hours. From the texts, the phone calls, the invites,letting me cry on their shoulder, or going to the cemetery to just talk. I feel so needy sometimes and such a burden. I hope someday I can pay them back a tiny fraction of what they have given to me. You know who you are. Thanks!!
I leave you with this...... Be thankful and live for today. You never know what tomorrow will bring or take away.

I Miss

A friend asked me the other night what I missed most about Randy. I had to think because I miss everything the most. So that got me to thinking and writing.

I MISS....

Having him to talk to. About everythng and anything.

Texting him and calling him throughout the day just to tell him what I am doing or the kids are doing.

Sitting beside him in church and feeling his arm around me.

Hearing him sing.

The comfort of having him in bed beside me every night.

Having him hug and kiss me in the kitchen while I am cooking dinner. Only to hear Megan yell Gross from the the other room.

Seeing him wrestle and play with the boys.

The security of knowing he will take care of anything that goes wrong.

Him telling me he loves me.

His kiss

Seeing him at the computer paying bills. He was so good at it.

Working in the yard or in the garage.

Seeing him on the bus Sunday mornings.

Holding hands

Cooking dinner for him every night.

Having his support and help with the kids.

Wow the list could go on and on. I even miss packing his lunch every night and I hated doing it! I miss him so much!!!! I would like to know what you miss about him most.

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my husband's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my husband's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my husband, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my husband from death, I would have done it.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my husband I had for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my husband did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.


I found this today and it spoke to me. I have been at the bottom emotionally lately. Most days I feel as if I can't go on. Will it ever get better I ask myself? Some day it will I am told and I am looking forward to that day! I miss Randy so much!!!!!

Another birthday

Another birthday to celebrate. I cant believe I have a teenager. It seems like only yesterday that Randy and I brought her home from the hospital. Where does the time go? Kaitlyn is so helpful to me. She does things without me even asking her. She is a good babysitter too.I am so proud of her. I don't know what I would do without her!You are a beautiful girl and I am so glad you love Jesus! Happy 13th birthday Katie Bug!! I love you!!!

Happy Birhday Konnor

I am a little slow but I wanted to post and tell everyone that my big boy is 5 now. It is so hard to believe. I remember the day we found out we were going to get our boy. Randy was so excited! He arrived weighing 8 lbs. 9 oz..He was so cute. Then we found out he was sick. He was born with pneumonia. So he had to stay in the NICU for a week to receive antibiotics. It was hard for this mommy to leave her baby but I was there everyday holding him for hours and hours. He did great and grown into a big boy today. Konnor is such a good and sweet boy. I love you Konnor so much!!!