Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I am missing Randy alot tonight!I just want to talk to him again. I am not stumbling through my days like a zombie anymore but the black hole still envelops my being. I feel as if I am in the middle of a scary dream that I cant wake up from. The smallest things make me burst into tears. Would somebody please wake me up!!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

In the midst of everything going on around here my baby has turned two. Kade is many things. Super cute, funny, honery, a mess maker, and a great snuggler. Randy was known to say"if he was our first he would've been our last". LOL He is the only one out of four kids that we had to baby proof the house for. He definitely adds spice to our house. I cant believe he is two already. He is very much loved in the Loper house!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I feel so empty. I drove home from church Sunday night alone. My van felt so empty. My bed is so empty. I have no one to share my deepest thoughts with. Last night I cooked dinner for the kids and I. His chair at the end of the table was so empty. My heart is so empty right now. The only thing that is not empty is my tear ducts. They overflow quite often. I cant seem to stop them these past couple of days.
My boys are missing their daddy so much right now.On the way home from FL a semi truck passed us. Kade started yelling' Daddy" over and over and waving like he thought it was Randy in the truck next to us. Yesterday at lunch he looked at me and said "da da" and held his hands up as if to ask" where is he?" When ever the phone rings he runs to it and says" da da" He loved talking to Randy on the phone. Konnor prays at dinner for his daddy to come back or today while driving down the road asks when he can see his daddy again. It absolutely kills me. I don't have the words to give them. They don't understand. I don't want them to forget their daddy.
My friends and family are the only things holding my head above the grief and misery that I am drowning in right now. I don't know what I would do with out them. At my lowest moment I get a text from them telling me they are thinking about me. They come to my house or invite me over. They don't care if I cry on their shoulder.
It is late my kids are in bed. My problem is I don't want to go to bed. So, I stay up late till I am so tired that I fall into bed and am instantly asleep. The problem is that morning comes way to fast and I have a two year old who knows how to climb out of his crib now. No sleeping in for mommy. Again I am sorry for the ramblings on that you read in this blog. This is one way of getting through this night mare I call life right now. I am reminded daily that life is so fragile so.. Thank God for the breath that you have and tell someone special that you love them.

Monday, August 3, 2009

I am in FL. right now trying to get away from "stuff" and relax. My sister had to finally go home( I think I would have kept her with me forever) and asked me to come with her for a week. I felt bad that my kids didn't get a vacation. I was unprepared for the feelings that I would have. I woke up Saturday morning after only 4 hours of sleep feeling like I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breath and my heart was pounding out of my chest. Just the thought of packing up our stuff and getting in the van to leave put me in a panic. All I could think of was what happened last time we did this. My home is my safe place. I didn't want to leave my house, my friends, or my family. What if something happened again? I hate driving. Randy drove a truck for a living. He drove whenever we went on vacation. What if something happened to me and I didn't have my will made yet? How can I go anywhere without my husband. We only go places together,not alone. I cant go to FL with 4 kids. I was in a total panic! I only decided to go after my good friend Michele J. said she would go with me. I not only had some moral support but someone to help me drive. I would have a piece of my security blanket with me. We finally got here after 21 hours in the van. (split between 2 days) I still feel so weird for being here without Randy. I caught myself wanting to text him on the way down to let him know what we were doing.Then I have to remind myself that he is gone and I cant do that any more. I have such a mixture of emotions. How can I smile or laugh on the outside and be dying on the inside at the same time? People ask me how I am doing. I always answer "okay". If only they knew how I really felt inside.
I went to the beach today. I stood and let the water run over my feet. It was a beautiful day and the water was so warm.I looked down into the water and I kept having thoughts of what Randy must have felt in his last minutes under the water. Why do I do this? Why do I let myself think these thoughts? How can I have fun at a time like this? I am doing this for my kids that is why.
God has blessed me so much in these past 3 weeks. People have been so generous to me. I thank God everyday for this. I have great kids and family and friends that I love dearly. If it wasn't for them I think I might be in my bed rotting right now. Not that I don't feel like it still but they wont let me. Nights are a very bad time for me. It is so late now and I am so tired. I have a hard time making myself go to bed every night. Nights are when we spent the most time together. I miss him so much!
When we get back I will post some happy pictures of the kids for a change okay. They are having fun visiting with their cousins again. I am very tired so I am going to bed now. I am thanking God for my family and friends again tonight.