Oh my goodness, I think I am going to die with grief and sadness. I am strong throughout the day but come evening I don't know how I will make it. I don't know how I am going to do this for the rest of my life. I think the only reason I can do this is for my kids. I feel as if I have an elephant sitting on my chest continuessly. No matter what I am doing it is always there. I cant sleep, I cant eat, or when I do it doesn't stay with me long. I miss him so much!!!
How do I keep Randy's memories strong in my boys little minds? It is a constant worry of mine.
I got to meet Randy's boss today. He is and was the most awesome boss a guy could have. Randy loved working for him. He was on vacation to far away to come to any services so I had not got to meet him. He cleaned out Randy's truck and offered to bring me his stuff. We were eating at Sarah H. house and so I came home to meet him. He was standing on my front porch waiting on me when I pulled up. Kade was sitting in my lap in the car(Sarah lives in my neighbor hood) when Kade saw him he said" Daddy" it about killed me.
I got to see my wonderful friend Melodie S. today. It was so nice to just sit and talk. To get a hug from her. We just talked about "things". I have so many questions. Why did God choose my husband? Why didn't He answer the prayers of so many people? It is so hard to try and answer these. I just see how any good could come out of me not having a husband any more. He was so much more than just a husband! I miss his voice. I miss the feel of his hand on mine. I miss having him in bed with me. I miss all of the little things he did that I didn't realize were that big until I have to do them myself. I am so scared of being lonely!
This is becoming quite rambly but I cant sleep and I am just writing as I sit here and cry. Sorry! Please don't leave any comments because I don't really want to know who is reading this. I would prefer to think it is only me and my rambling, jumbled up mind.
I know my friends have been praying for me but I have one particular decision to make in the next couple of weeks. I seriously need God's guidance.
My friend Martha G. gave me a book when she came to the funeral called "A Grace Disguised". I am not into it to much but what I have read has been so helpful. Thank you so much Martha for such a wonderful gift! Every time I read something that sticks out I underline it so I can find it again without looking too hard. Unfortunately I have to work tomorrow and I have to get up early. I am going to try and get some sleep. Thank you so much for praying for me. I don't think I would be this far without your prayers! I thank God every day for the wonderful friends and family that He has given me. I don't know where I would be without them.