I am in FL. right now trying to get away from "stuff" and relax. My sister had to finally go home( I think I would have kept her with me forever) and asked me to come with her for a week. I felt bad that my kids didn't get a vacation. I was unprepared for the feelings that I would have. I woke up Saturday morning after only 4 hours of sleep feeling like I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breath and my heart was pounding out of my chest. Just the thought of packing up our stuff and getting in the van to leave put me in a panic. All I could think of was what happened last time we did this. My home is my safe place. I didn't want to leave my house, my friends, or my family. What if something happened again? I hate driving. Randy drove a truck for a living. He drove whenever we went on vacation. What if something happened to me and I didn't have my will made yet? How can I go anywhere without my husband. We only go places together,not alone. I cant go to FL with 4 kids. I was in a total panic! I only decided to go after my good friend Michele J. said she would go with me. I not only had some moral support but someone to help me drive. I would have a piece of my security blanket with me. We finally got here after 21 hours in the van. (split between 2 days) I still feel so weird for being here without Randy. I caught myself wanting to text him on the way down to let him know what we were doing.Then I have to remind myself that he is gone and I cant do that any more. I have such a mixture of emotions. How can I smile or laugh on the outside and be dying on the inside at the same time? People ask me how I am doing. I always answer "okay". If only they knew how I really felt inside.
I went to the beach today. I stood and let the water run over my feet. It was a beautiful day and the water was so warm.I looked down into the water and I kept having thoughts of what Randy must have felt in his last minutes under the water. Why do I do this? Why do I let myself think these thoughts? How can I have fun at a time like this? I am doing this for my kids that is why.
God has blessed me so much in these past 3 weeks. People have been so generous to me. I thank God everyday for this. I have great kids and family and friends that I love dearly. If it wasn't for them I think I might be in my bed rotting right now. Not that I don't feel like it still but they wont let me. Nights are a very bad time for me. It is so late now and I am so tired. I have a hard time making myself go to bed every night. Nights are when we spent the most time together. I miss him so much!
When we get back I will post some happy pictures of the kids for a change okay. They are having fun visiting with their cousins again. I am very tired so I am going to bed now. I am thanking God for my family and friends again tonight.