Just when you think you are doing good it hits you again. Grief is a weird thing. The pain is always there,so intense, but you go through your day like normal because you have to.I still clean up Kade's messes, do laundry,dishes, and cook. But at any given time or moment a big wave will hit you and down you go again. I cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes I want to cry and cant squeeze a tear out. Some days I feel I can do this other days I don't think I will make it another hour. The tasks are overwhelming and I look to the future and wonder how i will ever make it. The loneliness is to much to bear at times. I miss having Randy come home at the end of the day. Just knowing he was there would relieve the stress. Now I have no relief. I get angry but I don't know who to be angry at. I have to learn to take control of my life and learn to do things on my own. It is just one step of acceptance. It is so much easier said than done. I don't want to do it on my own but I have too.
I am dreading the holidays. I am running away this Thanksgiving. I don't want to be at home. I have to go and do something different. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and driving to FL. I hate driving long distances. Especially with 4 kids but I no longer have a trucker driver husband, who loves to drive, to drive me places so I have to do it on my own. I can do it and I will!
Slowly the fog is clearing and I am trying to get back into a routine of sorts. If there is such a thing. For those of you who know me,know I am a coupon queen.I love saving money at the store! This week I cut my first coupon since Randy died. It felt good. In 4 months I haven't had anything in me to want to do anything that was normal. I haven't started and finished one book.I want to but I cant keep my mind focused long enough to do it.Its weird how my mind wont let me do these things. In an instant of time my world changed. Nothing,Let me repeat, nothing is the same. nor will it ever be. and for a person who hates change that is something hard to swallow.
I am so thankful for my friends. They get me through my darkest hours. From the texts, the phone calls, the invites,letting me cry on their shoulder, or going to the cemetery to just talk. I feel so needy sometimes and such a burden. I hope someday I can pay them back a tiny fraction of what they have given to me. You know who you are. Thanks!!
I leave you with this...... Be thankful and live for today. You never know what tomorrow will bring or take away.