I know I haven't said much as of late about Randy and how I am doing. Reason being is I have been pushing it away. If I don't think about it I don't hurt as bad. Tears are falling right now. This week has been hard. Different things, different conversations, made me think. I miss him so much. I feel so alone at times like this. The kids are all in bed and no one to talk to or cry to. so I sit and write. it helps me to write how I am feeling.. This week Konnor sat in the chair across from me and said" Mom, is daddy ever coming back? I said" No, baby he is not ever coming back" He said" I just miss him so much and I want him to play with me again." It just tears this mommy up inside. Then I got the proof for Randy's grave stone. I had been looking for it but to actually see it was another finality slap in the face. It is really real. This week I had a thought cross my mind to call him again. Will it ever go away? To sing in the Christmas program choir tonight without him was horrible. I cried on the way to church and got some of it out of me but to actually stand up there and not hear him behind me and when Pastor Hooker said something in his prayer about people we love spending their first Christmas in Heaven I lost it again. You can scroll down a couple of posts and hear Randy sing his solo in last years choir. I loved to hear him sing.
On our way to the kid's program practice Megan asked if we could go in the cemetery to see daddy. As I came up on the cemetery Kade started saying" daddy daddy!" He knows Randy is there but if you ask him where daddy is Kade will say" Church". Its amazing what a 2 year old will remember. If I let myself think of how much Randy loved his kids and him not being here with them I just can't stand it.
I know we all think of what it would be like if we weren't here. Maybe I am the only one who has done that. If only Randy knew what it is was like without him here.
I cant even get into the Holiday spirit. I try for the kids but its not the same. Randy and I always took a whole Saturday and did our Christmas shopping. It was fun and it was a time we could spend together having fun. Last year we finished up then went to Starbucks and tallied up the checkbook. We loved spending the day together. This year I am struggling to get any shopping done. Either I don't have the time or I don't feel like it.I just want it over with so I can mark one more "first" off my list. I know it sounds bad but its true.
I told a friend this week it makes you feel better to cry but after this week I am tired of crying.This week I have cried till I have headaches, cried at the dinner table while my kids looked at me funny, cried driving down the road, cared for 4 throwing up sick kids, drove 17 hours home from FL with 1 throwing up kid, cleaned 4 houses, went to 2 program practices,and a Sunday full of Christmas programs. This week is looking to be just as busy. Hopefully no sick kids though.
I wish I could just go hide away on a warm beach somewhere where I didn't know anyone and pretend life is a bed of roses. I would just sit there and wish Randy was with me so why bother.
As always I love my friends!!! They call me, text me, keep me awake when I have been driving for 17 hours,give me hugs, support me and cry with me. I love you guys so much!
It is easy to sound like gloom and doom is my life when I am feeling down but it isn't always like that. I did have a good time in FL with my sisters. To get away and do something different for Thanksgiving was nice. I will try and post some pictures soon. Well it off to bed for me. Tomorrow starts another busy week.