Thanksgiving Day

Chad doing turkey duty!

The Kid table

The adult table

Three cousin buddies

My yummy cake that I made. LOL it fell apart so it is held together with Popsicle sticks. The poor thing got made fun of so much. Then Chad dropped a cup in the middle of it. I had to take it home with me since the turkey was taking up all the room in Bek's fridge. On the way home I stopped at a red light and my camera flew off the seat and landed in the middle of it. It tasted good though when we did end up eating it.Despite all the rude comments it got! LOL

I know I haven't said much as of late about Randy and how I am doing. Reason being is I have been pushing it away. If I don't think about it I don't hurt as bad. Tears are falling right now. This week has been hard. Different things, different conversations, made me think. I miss him so much. I feel so alone at times like this. The kids are all in bed and no one to talk to or cry to. so I sit and write. it helps me to write how I am feeling.. This week Konnor sat in the chair across from me and said" Mom, is daddy ever coming back? I said" No, baby he is not ever coming back" He said" I just miss him so much and I want him to play with me again." It just tears this mommy up inside. Then I got the proof for Randy's grave stone. I had been looking for it but to actually see it was another finality slap in the face. It is really real. This week I had a thought cross my mind to call him again. Will it ever go away? To sing in the Christmas program choir tonight without him was horrible. I cried on the way to church and got some of it out of me but to actually stand up there and not hear him behind me and when Pastor Hooker said something in his prayer about people we love spending their first Christmas in Heaven I lost it again. You can scroll down a couple of posts and hear Randy sing his solo in last years choir. I loved to hear him sing.
On our way to the kid's program practice Megan asked if we could go in the cemetery to see daddy. As I came up on the cemetery Kade started saying" daddy daddy!" He knows Randy is there but if you ask him where daddy is Kade will say" Church". Its amazing what a 2 year old will remember. If I let myself think of how much Randy loved his kids and him not being here with them I just can't stand it.
I know we all think of what it would be like if we weren't here. Maybe I am the only one who has done that. If only Randy knew what it is was like without him here.
I cant even get into the Holiday spirit. I try for the kids but its not the same. Randy and I always took a whole Saturday and did our Christmas shopping. It was fun and it was a time we could spend together having fun. Last year we finished up then went to Starbucks and tallied up the checkbook. We loved spending the day together. This year I am struggling to get any shopping done. Either I don't have the time or I don't feel like it.I just want it over with so I can mark one more "first" off my list. I know it sounds bad but its true.
I told a friend this week it makes you feel better to cry but after this week I am tired of crying.This week I have cried till I have headaches, cried at the dinner table while my kids looked at me funny, cried driving down the road, cared for 4 throwing up sick kids, drove 17 hours home from FL with 1 throwing up kid, cleaned 4 houses, went to 2 program practices,and a Sunday full of Christmas programs. This week is looking to be just as busy. Hopefully no sick kids though.
I wish I could just go hide away on a warm beach somewhere where I didn't know anyone and pretend life is a bed of roses. I would just sit there and wish Randy was with me so why bother.
As always I love my friends!!! They call me, text me, keep me awake when I have been driving for 17 hours,give me hugs, support me and cry with me. I love you guys so much!
It is easy to sound like gloom and doom is my life when I am feeling down but it isn't always like that. I did have a good time in FL with my sisters. To get away and do something different for Thanksgiving was nice. I will try and post some pictures soon. Well it off to bed for me. Tomorrow starts another busy week.

I love my sisters

In the entry way above the door going into the dining room

In the half bath on the main floor
I finally got the expression up that I got from Uppercase Living. The top one my wonderful friend Sarah H. gave me that she never put up. I love them! They add so much to my walls. Thanks to my friend Jessica H. for coming over to put them up for me. Now I want some more.LOL not for a while. I need to save my pennies. TTFN

4 months

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day
I will stop missing you. ~Author Unknown~

Just when you think you are doing good it hits you again. Grief is a weird thing. The pain is always there,so intense, but you go through your day like normal because you have to.I still clean up Kade's messes, do laundry,dishes, and cook. But at any given time or moment a big wave will hit you and down you go again. I cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes I want to cry and cant squeeze a tear out. Some days I feel I can do this other days I don't think I will make it another hour. The tasks are overwhelming and I look to the future and wonder how i will ever make it. The loneliness is to much to bear at times. I miss having Randy come home at the end of the day. Just knowing he was there would relieve the stress. Now I have no relief. I get angry but I don't know who to be angry at. I have to learn to take control of my life and learn to do things on my own. It is just one step of acceptance. It is so much easier said than done. I don't want to do it on my own but I have too.
I am dreading the holidays. I am running away this Thanksgiving. I don't want to be at home. I have to go and do something different. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and driving to FL. I hate driving long distances. Especially with 4 kids but I no longer have a trucker driver husband, who loves to drive, to drive me places so I have to do it on my own. I can do it and I will!
Slowly the fog is clearing and I am trying to get back into a routine of sorts. If there is such a thing. For those of you who know me,know I am a coupon queen.I love saving money at the store! This week I cut my first coupon since Randy died. It felt good. In 4 months I haven't had anything in me to want to do anything that was normal. I haven't started and finished one book.I want to but I cant keep my mind focused long enough to do it.Its weird how my mind wont let me do these things. In an instant of time my world changed. Nothing,Let me repeat, nothing is the same. nor will it ever be. and for a person who hates change that is something hard to swallow.
I am so thankful for my friends. They get me through my darkest hours. From the texts, the phone calls, the invites,letting me cry on their shoulder, or going to the cemetery to just talk. I feel so needy sometimes and such a burden. I hope someday I can pay them back a tiny fraction of what they have given to me. You know who you are. Thanks!!
I leave you with this...... Be thankful and live for today. You never know what tomorrow will bring or take away.

I Miss

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