I am sitting down to my writing place again. Does anyone blog anymore? Not that it matters. I have been asked to write again and talk about my life now and how I got to where I am. I think about it and wonder where to start. You know who you are so know that I am at least thinking about it. 8o)
It is weird how it feels like I have two lives now. One, with Randy and two, my life now. I live in both all the time. Didn't I say weird? I love my family and friends and without them where would I be. A very scary thought indeed.

I can't believe one year has come and gone. I have learned so much this year. About life and about myself. My emotions have been up and been way down.
I have learned that I have the most awesome friends in the world!! They have been there for me in thick and thin. In the happy times and in the sad.
I have done alot of things and traveled to alot of places and I have learned that you cant run away from problems or grief. Its always there to meet you when you get home. It is easier to face it and get it over with. I have learned that I can do things on my own. Things that I never thought I could do. I have learned to ask for help when I need it too. I know Randy would be proud of me for all the things that I have learned to do myself. I was thinking this when I mowed the grass the other night with the BIG lawn mower he would never let me use because he said"I couldn't handle it". Yea, I might not be the nerd he was with the finances but I haven't forgot to pay any bills. I have kept the budget for the most part too.
The kids and I miss you so much Randy.I miss our talks and the way we worked together. I wish you were here to pay the bills and romp with the boys and take the girls out for their birthday breakfast. I know you are in a better place and we will see you again some day. For now we are making it and moving forward. Doing what we think would make you happy.
I found this poem and I leave you with it.......

Those of us who have traveled a while
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile
The first mile of no relief.

It wasn't the person with answers
Who told us the ways to deal
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.

Think of the friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.

We need to always remember
That more than the words we speak
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

9 months

One of our very good friends took his little boy with him to visit Randy the other day. As soon as he sat him down he reached up and touched Randy's face.Randy never got to meet the little guy. He would have loved him I know! This picture is precious to me.
9 months of missing,loving,longing,asking why,wishing,asking what if,

crying, running, wondering.

Even with all that we have good days. Somedays it is hard to see the sun but I know its there I just have to find it. I love the words to this song.....

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me. It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl

Then I'd unplug the telephone And keep the TV off

I'd hold you every second. Say a million I love you's

That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

So real...So Final

Today I got a phone call and my heart sunk. Its one of those things I wanted but when it came right down to it I didn't. The stone had been delivered. After almost 9 months its was finally here. I couldn't stop crying. It just makes it so real. He is really there now. I didn't want to leave him. Standing there alone I just wanted someone to hang on to.

I took Konnor on the way to his swim lessons. He just stood there and looked at it. It all seems so unfair!

It is beautiful. I know he would love it!!!

some picture updates

Kaitlyn took this picture of my niece Madison and Randy's Grandma. I think it is precious!!

My cousin came to visit last weekend and brought his girls. Megan and Alexis got along so good. Yes Megan is on her knees. Alexis is so small I couldn't get the picture right with Meg standing up.LOL
The 3 dirty faced amigos. My cousin's other little girl Kember. Her and Konnor were best buds. The played together so good. I love this little girl.

I went to FL two weekends ago. I needed some away time. This day was a perfect beach day.

About a month ago when we got all the snow we went sled riding with friends. I loved this picture that our fried took of Konnor.

Yes, I know that I don't have any pictures of Katie but she is boycotting the camera right now. I think it is a 13yr old thing. I will post some pictures of my San Diego trip soon.

6 months...........

I love you Randy and I miss you so much! I cant belive it has been 6 months since I last heard your voice or felt your touch. With hope I will see you again. I hope it is soon!!!!

Key West,FL

At the southern most point in The USA. Yes, I know my eyes are closed but there was a huge line of people behind me and when you have the person in line behind you take the picture you cant inspect it and ask them to take another one. 8o)

The B&B where we stayed

our room


I love Pelicans and this guy just stood there and posed.

My shrimp and bacon club sandwich that I had at an open air restaurant on Duval St. in downtown Key west. It was yummy

The best Key Lime pie in the world is from the Blond Giraffe Key Lime Pie factory. Mmmmmmm good!!!!

The beautiful Sunset

The view from our room door. The bright light is the sun shining on the water of South Beach.

The seven mile bridge that you cross going through the Keys. The water was so clear that day. Very pretty. You can enlarge it to see how long the bridge was. I couldn't get it all in the picture even.

Thanksgiving Day

Chad doing turkey duty!

The Kid table

The adult table

Three cousin buddies

My yummy cake that I made. LOL it fell apart so it is held together with Popsicle sticks. The poor thing got made fun of so much. Then Chad dropped a cup in the middle of it. I had to take it home with me since the turkey was taking up all the room in Bek's fridge. On the way home I stopped at a red light and my camera flew off the seat and landed in the middle of it. It tasted good though when we did end up eating it.Despite all the rude comments it got! LOL

I know I haven't said much as of late about Randy and how I am doing. Reason being is I have been pushing it away. If I don't think about it I don't hurt as bad. Tears are falling right now. This week has been hard. Different things, different conversations, made me think. I miss him so much. I feel so alone at times like this. The kids are all in bed and no one to talk to or cry to. so I sit and write. it helps me to write how I am feeling.. This week Konnor sat in the chair across from me and said" Mom, is daddy ever coming back? I said" No, baby he is not ever coming back" He said" I just miss him so much and I want him to play with me again." It just tears this mommy up inside. Then I got the proof for Randy's grave stone. I had been looking for it but to actually see it was another finality slap in the face. It is really real. This week I had a thought cross my mind to call him again. Will it ever go away? To sing in the Christmas program choir tonight without him was horrible. I cried on the way to church and got some of it out of me but to actually stand up there and not hear him behind me and when Pastor Hooker said something in his prayer about people we love spending their first Christmas in Heaven I lost it again. You can scroll down a couple of posts and hear Randy sing his solo in last years choir. I loved to hear him sing.
On our way to the kid's program practice Megan asked if we could go in the cemetery to see daddy. As I came up on the cemetery Kade started saying" daddy daddy!" He knows Randy is there but if you ask him where daddy is Kade will say" Church". Its amazing what a 2 year old will remember. If I let myself think of how much Randy loved his kids and him not being here with them I just can't stand it.
I know we all think of what it would be like if we weren't here. Maybe I am the only one who has done that. If only Randy knew what it is was like without him here.
I cant even get into the Holiday spirit. I try for the kids but its not the same. Randy and I always took a whole Saturday and did our Christmas shopping. It was fun and it was a time we could spend together having fun. Last year we finished up then went to Starbucks and tallied up the checkbook. We loved spending the day together. This year I am struggling to get any shopping done. Either I don't have the time or I don't feel like it.I just want it over with so I can mark one more "first" off my list. I know it sounds bad but its true.
I told a friend this week it makes you feel better to cry but after this week I am tired of crying.This week I have cried till I have headaches, cried at the dinner table while my kids looked at me funny, cried driving down the road, cared for 4 throwing up sick kids, drove 17 hours home from FL with 1 throwing up kid, cleaned 4 houses, went to 2 program practices,and a Sunday full of Christmas programs. This week is looking to be just as busy. Hopefully no sick kids though.
I wish I could just go hide away on a warm beach somewhere where I didn't know anyone and pretend life is a bed of roses. I would just sit there and wish Randy was with me so why bother.
As always I love my friends!!! They call me, text me, keep me awake when I have been driving for 17 hours,give me hugs, support me and cry with me. I love you guys so much!
It is easy to sound like gloom and doom is my life when I am feeling down but it isn't always like that. I did have a good time in FL with my sisters. To get away and do something different for Thanksgiving was nice. I will try and post some pictures soon. Well it off to bed for me. Tomorrow starts another busy week.

I love my sisters

In the entry way above the door going into the dining room

In the half bath on the main floor
I finally got the expression up that I got from Uppercase Living. The top one my wonderful friend Sarah H. gave me that she never put up. I love them! They add so much to my walls. Thanks to my friend Jessica H. for coming over to put them up for me. Now I want some more.LOL not for a while. I need to save my pennies. TTFN

4 months

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day
I will stop missing you. ~Author Unknown~

Just when you think you are doing good it hits you again. Grief is a weird thing. The pain is always there,so intense, but you go through your day like normal because you have to.I still clean up Kade's messes, do laundry,dishes, and cook. But at any given time or moment a big wave will hit you and down you go again. I cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes I want to cry and cant squeeze a tear out. Some days I feel I can do this other days I don't think I will make it another hour. The tasks are overwhelming and I look to the future and wonder how i will ever make it. The loneliness is to much to bear at times. I miss having Randy come home at the end of the day. Just knowing he was there would relieve the stress. Now I have no relief. I get angry but I don't know who to be angry at. I have to learn to take control of my life and learn to do things on my own. It is just one step of acceptance. It is so much easier said than done. I don't want to do it on my own but I have too.
I am dreading the holidays. I am running away this Thanksgiving. I don't want to be at home. I have to go and do something different. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and driving to FL. I hate driving long distances. Especially with 4 kids but I no longer have a trucker driver husband, who loves to drive, to drive me places so I have to do it on my own. I can do it and I will!
Slowly the fog is clearing and I am trying to get back into a routine of sorts. If there is such a thing. For those of you who know me,know I am a coupon queen.I love saving money at the store! This week I cut my first coupon since Randy died. It felt good. In 4 months I haven't had anything in me to want to do anything that was normal. I haven't started and finished one book.I want to but I cant keep my mind focused long enough to do it.Its weird how my mind wont let me do these things. In an instant of time my world changed. Nothing,Let me repeat, nothing is the same. nor will it ever be. and for a person who hates change that is something hard to swallow.
I am so thankful for my friends. They get me through my darkest hours. From the texts, the phone calls, the invites,letting me cry on their shoulder, or going to the cemetery to just talk. I feel so needy sometimes and such a burden. I hope someday I can pay them back a tiny fraction of what they have given to me. You know who you are. Thanks!!
I leave you with this...... Be thankful and live for today. You never know what tomorrow will bring or take away.

I Miss

"

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my husband's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my husband's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my husband, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my husband from death, I would have done it.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my husband I had for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my husband did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.


I found this today and it spoke to me. I have been at the bottom emotionally lately. Most days I feel as if I can't go on. Will it ever get better I ask myself? Some day it will I am told and I am looking forward to that day! I miss Randy so much!!!!!

Another birthday

Another birthday to celebrate. I cant believe I have a teenager. It seems like only yesterday that Randy and I brought her home from the hospital. Where does the time go? Kaitlyn is so helpful to me. She does things without me even asking her. She is a good babysitter too.I am so proud of her. I don't know what I would do without her!You are a beautiful girl and I am so glad you love Jesus! Happy 13th birthday Katie Bug!! I love you!!!

Happy Birhday Konnor

I am a little slow but I wanted to post and tell everyone that my big boy is 5 now. It is so hard to believe. I remember the day we found out we were going to get our boy. Randy was so excited! He arrived weighing 8 lbs. 9 oz..He was so cute. Then we found out he was sick. He was born with pneumonia. So he had to stay in the NICU for a week to receive antibiotics. It was hard for this mommy to leave her baby but I was there everyday holding him for hours and hours. He did great and grown into a big boy today. Konnor is such a good and sweet boy. I love you Konnor so much!!!

I am pleased to introduce to you the newest members of our family. I have had enough of doing laundry in the worlds smallest washing machine! I have been so overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities as of late and my laundry never gets done. Several people have told me to check into getting new ones. Well this weekend there were sales and I shopped around and did some research. One store price matched plus beat the competitors price by 10%. I saved $400 each on these. My washer washes around 7 bath towels plus a few little items this one washes between 24-28 bath towels. It will wash a king size comforter. Can you tell I am excited? I will get them on Friday so I will give you a review after I use them a couple of times. TTFN

Review time:

1. I love these new machines!!

2. The washer does hold 3 baskets of clothes like advertised.

3. No it doesn't hold 28 bath towels. I had 14 towels, all of the washclothes and hand towels and a set of twin sheets in one load.

4. It doesn't hold a king size comforter. It does hold my queen sized one nicely though.

5. I cant stand to watch it wash my clothes.( it has a glass lid) I say there is no way my clothes are getting clean with so little water. But they always come out clean and smelling nice.

6. Did I tell you I love these machines? 8o)

The whole group

My good friend Tamra and I

I know this is a little late but I wanted to post about the surprise birthday dinner that my friends planned for me. They planned and schemed and got me to the Cheesecake Factory all without me knowing. I guess I am a little naive. We then walked around till 10:00 shopping. It was a fun night with a bunch of great friends. Thanks guys, I love ya!!!!

Missing

Wher do I begin? The dark hole around here is still here. There are alot of emotions flowing around here and it has been hard as of late. It gets better then its gets bad again. We are are missing Randy so much! Its just not right that he is not here! The kids are missing him something awful. The other night Konnor said" Mom, I wish daddy would come back to our house again". I have found Kade sleeping with the picture of Randy and him. I think its makes me most sad to think of all Randy is missing with with them. Kade has started talking so much. Something Randy never thought he would do .8o) It is just weird without him around here. Its the small things we miss the most now. Putting the kids to bed and the special things he called them. Katie said" I just want to hear him call me Bug again." The way he would chase the kids up the stairs and be up the stairs in 2 giant leaps. I hate going alone to functions. Its not the same without him. My friends help but its not the same. I have the most awesome friends in the whole wide world!!! They keep me going.
Just trying to keep things going around here keeps me busy and I hardly have a spare minute. I need to get the fall decorations out. Just one more thing to do. I am becoming a list person. Something I vowed to never become. LOL Well it another busy Monday so I need to get moving.